2.20.2009

പ്രേട്ടി സിമ്പിള്‍...കപിഎദ് ഫ്രം സോമെഒനെ എല്‍സ്.

86 Rules of the Bar
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I..m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It..s coming back up.

12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing..urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.

28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.

32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender..s guide and browse through all the drinks you..ve never tried.

37. Try one new drink each week.

38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.

39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

40. If you have ever told a bartender, ..Hey, it all spends the same,.. then you are a cheap ass.

41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.

44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

45. It's okay to drink alone.

46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her ..baby.. or ..darling...

47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.

48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.

49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.

50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.

52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.

53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.

54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

56. Screaming, ..Someone buy me a drink!.. has never worked.

57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.

58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.

59. If you are broke and a friend is ..sporting you.., you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.

60. If you are broke and a friend is ..making sport of you.., you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.

61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.

63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.

64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, ..I'm an idiot...

67. Never ask a bartender ..what's good tonight?.. They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.

69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.

71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they..re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.

73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.

77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with ..I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . ...

78. When you..re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he..s buying.

79. If you are 86..d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.

81. If you..re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It..s the no-tell liquor.

82. There..s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you..re supposed to be at work.

83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there..s something in it.

85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.

86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.

--Frank Rich


12.15.2008

The all important differences of cheese.

Here I am on a Sunday morning, minding my own business, trying to complete a day without a single stupid question from a paying customer. I know. I know, it will never happen. Well yesterday I was able to go a whole 1 1/2 hrs without a stupid question. Just happens to be that I was only able to go 1 1/2 hrs without seeing a customer. A gentleman walks up to the deli counter and asks where the meat ends are. All I can say is they are in the lunch meat end section over that way. (for visual affect look about 20 ft to your left and bingo you found them...I know they aren't really 20 ft away from you right now but, you get the idea) After a few minutes of minding my own business, again the same gentleman comes up with a package of meat ends in his hand and, asks the same question all over. Turns out he was looking for ends of the cheese variety. I guess there is no difference between the word "meat" and "cheese", at least not in his mind. Just goes to show you that people don't think. I also saw a person yesterday wearing blue jeans and Santa shorts over his blue jeans. I say Santa shorts because of the white cotton frill around the bottom of the shorts. Really, this is how you dress when you go out to the grocery store? WTF?

News Flash:
There is nothing more annoying than having a customer come into your place of work and tell you things you have known for years. I.e. I don't go to a car dealership and tell the salesman that a specific car only gets 22 miles/gallon. So why do people insist on telling me about mostly commonly known knowledge in regards to meats and cheeses? For example...

American cheese is not really cheese because it is not aged. Nor is Longhorn/Colby.

Here comes another true to life tale...
Customer: Can I have a pound of Naturally Slender American?
Me: Sure, how would you like that sliced?
Cust: For bread.
Me: Okay. (Slicing, slicing, slicing). Here you are ma'am. What else can I get for you?
Cust: Is this the Naturally Slender American?
Me: That is what you asked for, right?
Cust: Yes but, it looks like the other american.
Me: Well ma'am, almost all american cheese looks like that. Is there a problem?
Cust: Isn't Naturally Slender more slender?
Me: I'm sorry?
Cust: I thought naturally slender meant it was more slender, like a square the size of cocktail bread.
Me: I'm sorry?
Cust: I wanted to serve this with cocktail bread but, it's too large.
Me: Well ma'am, you could cut it into quarters then it would fit on cocktail bread. However Naturally Slender refers to the fat content not, the size of the cheese.
Cust: Oh...okay. Thank you anyway. Have a nice day.
Me: Good luck with your cheese experiment.

I need to note here that for a brief second I was speechless which, very rarely happens to me. I sometimes think that people should wear helmets when in public and, not lick the glass doors when they enter stores. This was one of those people. I have obviously had some interesting encounters with people over the years. This encounter definitely "takes the cake".

Later Alligators!!!

12.13.2008

Thanksgiving Lobsters.

This is just a little story about stupid people. Is anyone starting to see a pattern here?

Anyway....here we go.

The Sunday before thanksgiving is usually a pretty busy day. Well this Sunday was no different. It was in 2005 and, the story goes like so. I was working this busy Sunday morning and getting excited about the Steelers game later that day. I was slicing cheese with a woman I used to work with. We'll call her muffin butt...because we used to call er that all the time. A customer walked up to the seafood counter and didn't see the Seafood Manager so the customer came over near us to ask a question, she simply said "Excuse me, can you help me with a question?" Being the responsible person I am I was more than happy to offer assistance to a customer in need, the fact that I work with a VERY SHARP, VERY FAST slicer wasn't of concern to her. Nor was it of concern to me. Who needs fingers anyway. As we are talking i heard a (chit), that is the sound your bone makes when you hit it on the moving blade of a slicer. I fell to the ground in shock and she asked if I could get her a lobster. Just kidding about the whole loss of limb thing. No one involved in my story was physically harmed during the time frame of my story. The conversation went like this.

Customer: Do you have any lobsters?
Me: Yes ma'am, they are in the tank literally under your nose.
Cust: Oh, I didn't even look there.
I could only wonder what would come next since the woman was leaning on the lobster tank she had been inquiring about.
Me: Well ma'am, they do say that you find what you are looking for in the last place you look.
The above statement has always amazed me due to the incredible amount of blatancy in that phrase.
Cust: Are those lobsters alive?
Me: Only the ones that are moving around.
Just to clarify there were 16 lobsters moving/alive and, none that were dead.
Cust: Can I have one of them? I need a live lobster for a recipe I have for Thanksgiving.
Me: The Seafood Manager is right there, she can help you from here.
Cust: Thank You.
Muffin Butt: (In a hushed voice) Wow...really...why would you think that the lobsters weren't alive?
Me: I don't know muffin butt...but, I do know that whatever that woman is cooking I don't want to eat. How can you follow a recipe when you can't even buy what you need without someone blatantly explaining the obvious to you?

I...by the way...love to explain the obvious to people.


Penned by PigpeN


Later Alligator.

12.12.2008

Just a thought.

Why is it that people you are serving are never decent enough to at least be observant when you ask a question? Just a thought. Also why do so many retailers employ morons & idiots? I work in retail and I am an intelligent person. I feel like a rocket scientist at work. I have never and probably will never worked in a professional environment. I am however willing to bet that there isn't a tard floating around your office trying to figure out how to use the time clock after 4 months on the job, let alone read his/her e-mail. We employ them to meet diversification standards. Well also to laugh a little. There is nothing in life like hearing about a bagger that probably can't even cook eggs for her husband who is also a tard receiving a birthday present from her cousin that consist of...2x leopard print thongs with a 40d leopard print bra. Really think about it for a minute. This girl is a good 325 lbs.(Three Hundred Twenty Five Pounds) about 5'3" with that common crooked face for a true (mr) person. Her hubby...80's Stache, 120 lbs.(One Hundred Twenty Pounds) soaking wet with a face you have to see...if you want to puke in your mouth then swallow...you know, for fun. The best part about the situation is that you know as well as me that they get bored pretty easily, then his popcorn stands at attention while her juices start to flow & lube her hoo-hoo for his kernels to slip right in and do it almost till it pops like (mr) popcorn should. Then when he goes "I am gonna pop" she hops up to get the butter & salt to cover his member in 'cause she had to get fat somehow & that is my theory there. They both obviously love their lives. How can they not? You literally bag groceries for 20 hours a week and spend the rest of your time playing video games, eating, and enjoying "popcorn". Can you picture the scenario I just painted? Think about it...picture it...rub one out to it...cause if he could read he would too. Just thinking again.

Thanks for tuning in

Penned by PigpeN

Peace Out Trout

We are all assholes...can you admit it to yourself?

Just a few thoughts to start out with.

I AM AN ASSHOLE!

-I love me some me.
-People are my entertainment.
-All you can do is survive until something great comes along then, all you can do is survive.
-I have been with an illness for 20 years now. No complaints. Really.
-It is time to start trying for real now. Please read on...





-I love me some me.
I have a son born 1-06. I own a house. I am in decent health considering. I have a job that is recession proof. I have reliable transportation. I am very decisive. I have learned to live with all my decisions. I judge people on first sight or introduction. I feel like talking about myself...all the time. I know everyone loves me...EVERYONE except for the guy that was my best friend when I dubbed a sex tape of him, his fiance, and his baby momma then, I proceeded to show anyone who would watch until someone slipped up and told him about the situation. Yeah he doesn't like me. Other than him I am good. Follow me to spiritual healing and laughter. I am a likable person. I am very laid back. I am full of myself...I hope you got that by now.



-People are my entertainment.
I love to know what is going on all around me all the time. I don't really care about any of the drama, I just want to know what the drama is. I am not fond of the morbidly obese unless I am talking to someone about their eating habits or appearance or thought processes or smells. If I can make people laugh I will, however it is almost always incorporates someones stupidity. If you can't laugh at yourself you don't qualify to laugh at someone else either. I laugh at myself all the time. If we have met I have laughed at you as well. If you know me you know this last fact. I have an uncanny ability to say ANYTHING with a straight face. Do you think it's wrong to take a suckers money? A sucker is a sucker right? I know I have been "swindled" before, I am good with that because I have been on the receiving end more than I have been on the shaft. Are you thinking yet?


I work at a place that sells "Pasta Fiesta Salad" That is funny.
Someone came in the other day and asked for pasta salad.
Me: We have Pasta Fiesta Salad, would you like to try some?
Moron: No that's OK, give me 2 lbs.(two pounds).
Me: Are you sure? They call it Pasta Fiesta for a reason...it's like a party of pasta in your mouth.
Moron: What did you just say?
Me: Are you sure? They call it Pasta Fiesta for a reason...it's like a party of pasta in your mouth.
Moron: I am sure. Just give me 2 lbs.(two pounds).
Me: OK sir, I just don't want you to miss out on the party. Have a nice day.



You have a nice day now.

Penned by Pigpen.

Peace out trout!